A few days ago, I told a friend that I felt like I wanted to write about a certain subject, but the very thought of it made me nervous. Then I saw that this month is Mental Health Awareness Month and I knew it was time. Time to just admit that things aren’t perfect, that at times they are in fact downright scary, and acknowledge that I’ve got an awesome support system around me to get me through it.
First things first: I’ve been diagnosed with ADD, major depressive disorder and PTSD. I also have a thyroid condition, which can at times exacerbate all three of these. Let’s just say my brain is a virtual minefield and I’ve taken a wrong step a time or two or a thousand. Things can be going great and then KABLOOEY! I’m in a funk so strong I can’t even get out of bed.
Those who know me know that I’m pretty open about things. I feel no shame in my diagnoses. But what I do have an issue with is admitting when I’m in the middle of an episode. I retreat within myself and avoid contact and just generally try to keep everyone thinking things are fine and I’m fine and everything’s going to be fine. All the while, my brain is doing this:
Yeah, that’s my brain in animated gif form. I love animated gifs. They are so awesome for expressing yourself.
So, while on the inside I’m a mess, I’m pretty stoic to those around me. I try, in my own warped way, to let people in by dropping hints here and there that things aren’t ok. Most times, it doesn’t work and I just come across like I’m a whiny brat. To their credit, I give really crappy hints. I wish I was better at letting people know that I’m in internal freak out mode. I think it would make my relationships a lot less stressful.
SuperDad is abso-freaking-lutely amazing for putting up with all of my issues over the past 12 years. When other folks run screaming for the hills, he’s still there, waiting for it to pass and trying to help me through it in whatever way I will allow him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.
This past year and a half has been particularly rough. From getting my PTSD diagnosis, to going through therapy for that, to having people I considered friends using my openness against me, to SuperDad changing careers and my having to start working full time outside the home rather suddenly… Let’s just say those animated gifs up there are an understatement.
One of the major struggles I’ve had over the past few years is how to be a mother to my children during my episodes. It got to the point that they were asking to “visit mommy in bed” because I was spending days/weeks shut up in my bedroom. That was one of the driving forces behind me going back to therapy, which in turn produced the PTSD diagnosis, which in turn explained SO MANY THINGS. Therapy has certainly helped, but I still fight my demons every day. But knowing I have those little girls to provide for and raise to be decent human beings is one of the only things that keeps me going some days.
To a lot of people, they see me make decisions or take certain actions and they think I’m impulsive and flighty. Little do they know that even getting to the point of being able to make a decision is weeks and weeks of panic, anxiety, dread, second guessing and doubt. SuperDad is really the only one who knows how much I anguish over certain decisions. Even when, to anyone else, the choice is clear, I can never just accept that. But this is even more so the case when my decision isn’t the popular choice. I dealt with this recently and while it hurt to have friends take my choice personally, it was quite literally a lifesaving decision for me. But I feel like even saying that makes it sound less true. Like admitting that I was at one of my lowest points and I had to do something, ANYTHING to save myself from doing something stupid makes it an invalid excuse somehow. But again, I know SuperDad was there through it all and we made the decision together.
And yet, still I struggle. Still I deal with the crippling fear that I’m not adequate. That I don’t measure up. That I’m a failure as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. It’s absolutely exhausting constantly fighting this battle. But it’s so worth it. I look at my family and I think, “They deserve more.”
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May 6, 2016 at 10:44 pm
Marcia McCance
We compare our embarrassing “out takes” with everyone else’s finished glossy edited works and think that we do not “add up.” Everybody has embarrassing “out takes.” Nobody adds up!! That is why we all needed a redeemer. God knows you and He loves you, exactly and expressly as you are right this minute. You are so blessed to have SuperDad and your girls. As far as I can tell, any Mom who is worth her salt is afraid of warping the kids. We were all raised by imperfect parents with crazy siblings and whatever else we had going on but somehow we made it through. Your girls will, too. We can only get through this one day at a time.
Here are the lyrics to a song that I consider a blessing and love to sing to remind me that I’m only human, and I can do this one day at a time with the help of Jesus:
I’m only human, I’m just a woman.
Help me believe in what I could be
And all that I am.
Show me the stairway, I have to climb.
Lord for my sake, teach me to take
One day at a time.
One day at a time sweet Jesus
That’s all I’m asking from you.
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do.
Yesterday’s gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way
One day at a time.
There is another song that keeps me on keel. Here are the lyrics to that one:
God on the mountain by Lynda Randle
Verse 1
Life is easy, when you’re up on the mountain
And you’ve got peace of mind, like you’ve never known
But things change, when you’re down in the valley
Don’t lose faith, for your never alone
Chorus:
For the God on the mountain, is still God in the valley
When things go wrong, he’ll make them right
And the God of the good times, is still God in the bad times
The God of the day, is still God in the night
Verse 2
We talk of faith way up on the mountain
But talk comes easy, when life’s at its best
Now its down in the valleys, of trials and temptations
That’s where your faith is really put into the test
Chorus:
For the God on the mountain, is still God in the valley,
When things go wrong, he’ll make them right
And the God of the good times, is still God in the bad times
The God of the day, is still God in the night
The God of the day, is still God in the night
If you’d like to hear them copy and paste:
YOU ARE LOVED!!